Hit The Bottom

I'm sure you all know the old saying 'when you've hit the bottom the only way to go is up.' I've always figured that as bullshit. When you've hit the bottom you can wallow around in the mud for the rest of your life if you really want to. And sometimes you only think you've hit the bottom.

I found out last night that I have been wallowing. I thought I was moving forward on the slow slope upwards but it turned out I was wiggling myself further downward. I finally hit the bottom and I was not strong enough. I felt worthless. I have never accomplished and I've never had the drive to accomplish. And I frankly did not care if I ever accomplished.

A complete and total mess. Wallowing in the mud and muck and self-pity. And I sat there saying I should die, that I've given up on everything else I may as well give up on life too. That is when Krissy gave me the biggest verbal slap of my life. She quietly said "You haven't given up on us." Immediately my crying turned from self-loathing and pity to quiet healing. Cleaning off the muck, washing it away.

Without her I would not be strong enough to be myself. I would still be wallowing and I would probably have drowned in it.

I feel better now. I'm acting better. Trying harder. It's only been a day since I hit the bottom, but I've already made more upwards progress than I have in the last six years. I love Krissy, and I love me. Being strong enough for her makes me strong enough for myself.